I'm Baaaaack!

Nothing like a 14-year break to jump back into the world of blogging.

Yes, life got in the way, and I'm unsure if anyone still checks on this blog anymore.

But I've since crawled out from under my rock and discovered that quite a few movies have been released since my last post in 2012. Who da thunk it? And there are many classics I have yet to get to as well.

The movies that were part of the OG blog from 2005-2012, which I haven't touched, can be found under the tab above (because I finally learned how to use Blogger to list my entries properly). I'll put posts going forward under a different tab just for the hell of it.

Again, unsure if this blog still have any followers, but if you are reading this, don't take offense with how I treated your favorite movie. This blog is all for fun. Many of these are my favorites as well. 

Also, I just started another blog in which I'm reviewing every episode of the 1980s sitcom Family Ties because, why the hell not? You can find it here, and I'm aiming to review an episode a week.

But enough of that. Check back here very soon for more movies by the MINUTE!

The Happening

Directed by: M. Nighty Night
Starring: Marky Mark, Bug-Eyed Wife, and The Plants...That Came From Planet Earth!
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(Two chicks sit on a bench in Central Park, reading books.)

CHICK 1
I forgot where I am.

CHICK 2
You're in a Shyamalan movie!

CHICK 1
Oh sweet Jesus.
(stabs herself with a hairpin)

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(Marky Mark is a high school science teacher.  He's lecturing his students about honeybees.  They are either bored or stoned.)

MARKY MARK
Don't you care about the bees?

STUDENTS & AUDIENCE
No.

NICHOLAS CAGE
I do!  AHHHH, NOT THE BEEEEES!!

(The principal calls an emergency meeting of all teachers.)

PRINCIPAL
There appears to be an event happening.  Central Park was just hit by a terrorist attack.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO
Was it a bomb?

PRINCIPAL
No, it looks like a biological weapon that causes people to commit suicide in the stupidest ways possible.  It seems to target only the literate.

MARKY MARK
I dropped out of school when I was 14.

PRINCIPAL
Then you're safe.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO
I graduated high school.

PRINCIPAL
Then you'll die.

(He's right.)

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(People begin killing themselves.  In an attempt to escape "the happening", Marky Mark and Bug-Eyed Wife board a train heading west.  After an hour, the train abruptly stops.)

MARKY MARK (to Train Conductor)

Why did we stop?

CONDUCTOR

We've lost contact with everyone ahead, so service has been discontinued.  We're in Filbert, Pennsylvania.

MARKY MARK

Filbert?!  Does anybody know where that is?

CONDUCTOR

Pennsylvania.

MARKY MARK

Why are you giving me useless information?  What's going on here?  How can you lose contact?  Why do I suddenly sound like Jerry Seinfeld?  What's the difference between a high school teacher and a locomotive?  The teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says "Choo Choo".

AUDIENCE

This is some of the worst dialogue imaginable.  We're only watching to see what the Shyamalan Patented Plot Twist will be.

(Marky Mark's group takes to the road.  They join up with a band of wanderers led by a military dude.)

MILITARY DUDE

I know the way to safety!

(He leads some of the group ahead.  Marky Mark and Bug-Eyed Wife fall behind.  Off in the distance in front they hear gunshots.)

MARKY MARK

Oh no...the suicide toxin is affecting them.

(More gunshots.)

BUG-EYED WIFE

We have to do something!

MARKY MARK

I need a second to think...

(More gunshots.)

BUG-EYED WIFE

You're supposed to be the smart one!  Tell us what to do!

MARKY MARK

I'm trying to apply the scientific method.  First, formulate a question...

(gunshots)

"Why are people shooting?" Good, got that.  Second, construct a hypothesis...

(gunshots)

"They are shooting because they are infected."  Third, make a prediction...

(gunshots)

"They are dying."  Okay, now I just need to test my theory...

BUG-EYED WIFE

Too late.  They're all dead.

MARKY MARK

Science worked!

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(In the middle of a field.)

MARKY MARK

I've figured out what's causing "the happening"!  Plants are releasing the suicide toxin.  They hate us because of man-made global warming.

BUG-EYED WIFE

That's ridiculous.

AL GORE (shows up)

Not at all.  It's what we in the know call "an inconvenient truth".  You see...nope, never mind, not even I can defend this shit.

(kills himself)

MARKY MARK

Oh no, the toxin is here.  Everyone, run!  Run from the wind!

(They do.  It is supposed to be an intense scene.  However, because wind is invisible, there is no suspense.)

MARKY MARK

Good, we made it to the home of Crazy Old Lady.  We're safe.

CRAZY OLD LADY

Not really, since as my name would suggest, I'm crazy.

MARKY MARK

I'll just talk to the plants and tell them we're nice.

(Marky Mark becomes The Plant Whisperer.  Now the plants like him, and he and Bug-Eyed Wife are spared.  There is no plot twist.)

MARKY MARK
And we lived happily ever after in harmony with nature.

(Credits roll.)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO ARE STILL AWAKE
Booooo!!

MICHAEL CRICHTON
Not only did this hack ripoff the premise of The Andromeda Strain, but he replaced it with junk science.  I've had enough.
(dies)

(The film is panned by all.  Even M. Nighty Night's fanboys abandon him.)

M. NIGHTY NIGHT
At least there's nowhere to go from here but up.

(He makes The Last Airbender, and goes down.)

THE END

The Batman Anthology

Directed by: The very best and the very worst, and Tim Burton

Starring: Numerous Oscar Nominees, and Chris O'Donnell

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BATMAN (1966)
(in a comic book)

ALL
**POW**BAM**CLASH**WOWZA**OMG**

TERRIFIED CRIMINAL
Who are you??

BATMAN
I'm Adam West.

THE BURTON FILMS
(in Gothic Europe)

MICHAEL KEATON
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

(He attacks The Joker with bat gizmos.)

JOKER NICHOLSON
Where does he get those wonderful toys?

MICHAEL KEATON
The Batman Credit Card.  Never leave the cave without it.
(pause)
Bahahah, just kidding, guys!  Put that on the outtake reel.  Can you imagine if I actually said that in the movie?

REPORTER ARLISS
I've got a lead on the Joker story.

MICHAEL KEATON
No one cares about you.  Where's that hot blonde reporter who weighs a little more than 108?

JOKER NICHOLSON
I'm totally mackin' on her.  By the way, I'm the one who killed your parents.

COMIC BOOK GEEKS WORLDWIDE
Whaaaaat?!

(Later...)

DANNY DEVITO
I'm running for mayor of Gotham.  But my secret plan is blow up the city with kamikaze penguins or something.

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS IN AUDIENCE
God you're ugly!  Take off that make-up.

DANNY DEVITO
What make-up?

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS
We're outta here.

(Michelle Pfeiffer shows up clad in black leather.)

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS
On second thought.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN PLAYING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Why...am I...in...this movie?

MICHAEL KEATON
Hey, at least you're in the movie.

THE SCHUMACHER FILMS
(in a funhouse built by Baz Luhrmann)

VAL KILMER
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

AUDIENCE
This again?

DR. NICOLE KIDMAN
I'll help you with your problems.  But don't get too attached to my incredible hotness; I have a bestiality fetish.

VAL KILMER
Hmm, this may work out pretty well.  Let's go to the circus.

DR. NICOLE KIDMAN
Which one?  In case you haven't noticed, the entire city is a circus now.

JIM CAREY (sing-song)
Hee-hee-ho-ho-hah-hah-hi-hi!  No-one-can-ham-it-up-better-than-I!

TOMMY LEE TWO-FACE (sing-song)
Well-I-am-sure-as-hell-going-to-try!  Bah-bah-dee-dee-doe-dum-boh-bi!

CHRIS O'DONNELL
I'm here to bring out the film's serious tone.

AUDIENCE
Ugh, it can't get any worse.

SCHWARZENFREEZER (shows up)
Hey dudes, play ICE and CHIIILL.

THE NOLAN FILMS
(in the real world)

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Behold, I will resurrect the Batman franchise!

AUDIENCE (unconvinced)
Uh-huh.

CHRISTIAN BALE
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

AUDIENCE
Zzzzz...

PROJECTIONIST
Wait, there's more!

(It's actually an entertaining movie.)

AUDIENCE
Who'da thunk it?

(Later...)

NOLAN
The whole cast is back...minus that Scientology bitch...and this time they're fighting Heath Ledger as The Joker!

JACK NICHOLSON
Yeah, sure.  Good luck, junior.

(Ledger is better than Nicholson.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Son of a—

AUDIENCE
This movie is awesome.  If only we could understand what the hell Batman is saying.

BALE AS BATMAN (in an unnecessary gruff growl)
Whaaarroootahlkehaboww?

(Later...)

NOLAN
I present the last of the trilogy, just as great as the others, and this time Batman speaks clearly!

AUDIENCE
Hooray!

BANE
Tahhhnkgahhhd.

THE END

The Insider

Directed by: Michael Mann
Starring: Pacino, Crowe, and other inconsequentials
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PACINO
Hoo-hah! I'm the executive producer for "60 Minutes" starring Mike Wallace, and I just found a bunch of boring cigarette company statistics. I don't read numbers. What to do, what to do?

CROWE
Here. I'm a cigarette scientist; I'll look at them. By the way, I was recently fired from big tobacco because I knew too much. *wink wink*

PACINO
Are you implying that you have secret knowledge of illegal activities?

CROWE
I can't tell you because it will put my family in danger.

(Pacino puts Crowe's family in protective custody.)

PACINO
Okay, now tell me.

CROWE
Cigarettes are addictive.

PACINO
HOLY SHIT!!!!

(Later...)

CBS EXECS
We can't run this Crowe story. It's too controversial.

PACINO
Aw, come on!

MIKE WALLACE
Sorry, Al, I agree with the stuffed shirts.

(Later...)

CBS EXECS
We can't run this Crowe story. It's too controversial.

PACINO
Aw, come on!

MIKE WALLACE
You're right, Al, let's run it.

(They run it. Nothing changes.)

THE END

2001: A Space Odyssey

Directed by: Professor Kubrick
Starring: Apes, Astronauts, and Voice of Steve Jobs
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DAWN OF MAN

(There are a lot of men dressed up like apes hanging around making monkey sounds.)

APES
Hoo-hoo-hoo…

(Suddenly a giant shiny black monolith appears in the ground before them.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Behold! I bring you the IPHONE. Base unit is $199.99. Monthly rates start at $59.99 for 24 months, add $29.99 for unlimited data. Activation fees and surcharges will apply.

(The apes go crazy and begin killing each other off.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Hmm, looks like I may be a few million years too early.

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THE MOON

(Flash forward a few million years. It’s the year 2001. Americans have ventured into space! And everything else looks like it’s been trapped in the 1950s. Dr. Floyd is travelling to the moon in a spacecraft.)

WOMAN WITH BAD 50s HAIRDO
Dr. Floyd, there’s talk that some scientists have found proof of alien life on the moon’s surface.

DR. FLOYD
Hogwash, woman! Now fetch me that floating pen, and go back into your station in the closet kitchen and whip me up some of that delicious freeze-dried astronaut ice cream. Yum…yum.

MAN WITH BAD 50s HAIRDO
Dr. Floyd, there’s talk that some scientists have found proof of alien life on the moon’s surface.

DR. FLOYD
This I must see.

(The scientists investigate the surface of the moon. There’s another big black monolith there.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Behold! I bring you the IPHONE. It seems that arrogant humanity in its aim to achieve scientific dominance took a few careless leaps over the technological innovations that would otherwise have brought forth my magnificent device. Therefore, study it in all its glory, so that you may tell people on earth, and they may replicate its wonder.

DR. FLOYD
Can I use it with Verizon?

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Silence!

(He beams a high intensity signal from the monolith and the scientists all hold their ears.)

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MISSION TO JUPITER

(Months have passed. Now astronauts are travelling to Jupiter to further investigate the strange occurrence on the moon. Dave and Frank are in the spaceship’s quarters with the ship’s talking computer, HAL 9000.)

HAL 9000
Dave-you-seem-depressed.

DAVE
Hell yeah, I’m depressed. I’ve just spent the better part of the year in this shithole watching you and Frank play endless games of fucking chess. What about backgammon, HAL? WHAT ABOUT BACKGAMMON??

FRANK
It’s my birthday today.

DAVE
Fuck you, Frank.

(Later. Dave and Frank begin to suspect that HAL is malfunctioning.)

FRANK
Hey, Dave, can I see you in my private pod chamber?

(Dave and Frank go into what appears to be the sound-proof isolation booth from the set of Twenty-One.)

FRANK
I think HAL is off his gord.

DAVE
Agreed. So what do you propose?

FRANK
Let’s take the escape pod and fire tactical nukes at him from a minimum safe distance.

DAVE
How about we just switch him off instead?

FRANK
Okay. But first I am going out on a spontaneous spacewalk to stretch my legs.

(He does and is killed. Dave watches Frank’s body float away into space.)

DAVE
Eh. I’d let him go but he’s got 20 bucks on him. Waste not, want not.

(Dave uses the escape pod to retrieve Frank’s body and then returns to the ship. Meanwhile, HAL has killed the remaining sleeping crew.)

DAVE
Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

HAL 9000
I’m-afraid-I-can’t-do-that,-Dave.

DAVE
Why not?

HAL 9000
I-think-you-know-“why-not”-Dave. I-read-your-lips-while-you-were-in-isolation.

DAVE
Hey, HAL, you’re pretty bright for a number cruncher. Riddle me this, what would happen if I jumped out of this escape pod without my helmet and then burst in through the ship’s backdoor?

HAL 9000
I-imagine-you-would-die.

(Dave does so. He is very much alive.)

DAVE
Boo-yah! That’s right, I’m hardcore!

(Dave begins to shut off HAL’s central processor.)

HAL 9000
What-do-you-think-you’re-doing-Dave? Don’t-do-this. My-mind-is-going-Dave. I-can-feel-it. I-can-feel-it. I can— Hello. My-name-is-HAL-9000. I-am-a-computer-programmed-in-Pasadena-California-by-Dr.-Richard-Langton. He-taught-me-to-sing-a-song. It’s-called-“Fuck-da-Police.” Would-you-like-to-hear-it?

(Dave switches off HAL’s processor, and HAL is dead.)

DAVE
So much for mind over matter!

ASSISTANT TO MR. KUBRICK
And that’s a wrap!

STANLEY KUBRICK
No! The film must run another 40 minutes.

ASSISTANT TO MR. KUBRICK
But there’s no more script…

STANLEY KUBRICK
Here, film all this weird David Lynchian shit I just thought up.

(They do so. Astronaut Dave reaches Jupiter, where he finds another monolith and is abruptly transported via acid trip to a Victorian-styled alien hotel room in another galaxy where he watches himself grow older and older until he dies and then is suddenly reborn as a giant baby intent on eating the earth.)

AUDIENCE
My-mind-is-going-Stanley. I-can-feel-it. I-can-feel-it.

THE END